"And therefore, I don't want to sleep with someone who is that affected by me or by a lack of me. I'm not that important."
8-28-2019 9:33 AM
From Shawn:
It's a sad realization that you were giving me things as a "trade-off" or to keep me around or whatever. I thought it was because you genuinely wanted me to have, (fill in the the blank) or that you really didn't need whatever. Also. I told you not to delete the msgs from your mom. And that I didn't need a new phone.
The only one of the things you "lent" me that I asked for (and only the second time) is the surface. I valued you, and our friendship, greatly. I now see that I was being manipulated, or at least you were trying to, to get me to fill a spot in your life, (which if you had listened to me at all since I've been here, you wouldn't have) that is empty.
Shannon, you are an amazing person and a stand-up dude, current situation aside. You didn't have to trick me into giving or buy my affection. Unfortunately, though, now I really don't want to be around you anymore. Between feeling guilty that I make you sad, and making you sad in the first place, and you getting upset or jealous if I'm not in your presence or having sex with you, I can't deal anymore.
Another thing is that part of the reason I don't have sex with you - you care too much. Seriously! I've tried time and again to explain - just chill! You won't. You refuse. And therefore, I don't want to sleep with someone who is that affected by me or by a lack of me. I'm not that important.
So, to sum things up - I'm not mad, sad, or otherwise upset. I wish nothing but the best. And all the good things in the world I hope come to you. I will get you everything you GAVE me back in a timely fashion.
Thank you for your friendship.
Sorry I cannot be what you need in life, or that you need more from me than I have to offer.
Sincerely ,
Shawn J. Schneider
Me:
Well said. I'm sorry you never felt that you could say those things to my face.
I shouldn't have tried to buy your affection or to "trick" you into caring about me. I saw how transactional your affection was with other men and must have thought that was the way someone who looks and behaves like me has to go about getting someone who looks like you. That wasn't fair to either of us, and I now feel the full cost of my actions after seeing them for what they were.
I hope you let yourself be loved again someday,Shawn, perhaps by someone who cares only the proper amount. You deserve happiness, whether that's with someone or alone and chasing it for just yourself.
Selfishness is going to take a toll on you one way or another, though. It's good that you care about yourself and satisfying your base wants and needs more than I was ever able to do for myself, but there's risk in taking that too far in the other direction. Fare as well as you will.
I'm going back to therapy to help myself avoid future you's. My life is fucked up enough without my chasing after men, especially those who want only to receive and are not equipped to give.
Him:
Well you obviously never believed me when I told you you were my friend, so I don't know what else there is to do. Have a good one.
Me:
I nothing you, too. But do take care.
Him:
👏likewise. I don't "nothing" you. This sucks. Take care, Shannon. Good things will come to you. Just don't grip them too tightly.
Me:
I have to admit, it's not as difficult this time around. Watching your example last time taught me how to turn off the hurt. I feel nothing except a bit of disappointment that things ended up this way. I vowed to never give you more of my tears, and I'm happy to report that you've been given none.
So, thanks? I guess? For the new skill. I didn't think this old dog had it in him to learn any new tricks. Hopefully I can teach myself some more.
Not to love less hard or with less intensity, though! Loving is something good I managed to do despite the buffet of shit life has served me. My lesson needs to be in finding someone who can love back as fiercely without seeing it as a burden or a chore. I apologize for having thrust that expectation upon you. I know you didn't want that role from the beginning, and your inability to communicate plus your willingness to keep going along with it only led me to think that perhaps, given enough time, I could change that about you. I was mistaken.
Take care of yourself. And of Corey. He's probably the best thing you can claim in your life, and you should be proud of that. He's a remarkable guy, and you are lucky to have him in your corner. There's a good chance he and I will remain friends after all of this blows over, because he and I have a lot in common, aside from our ability to communicate and our shared status as victims of Enamoring. I hope the best for you both, whatever that turns out to be.
It'd probably be best for us both not to cross paths again, though. I don't want my surprising new ability to feel nothing for you to suddenly evaporate into another leaden shroud of anguish, desperation, and depression like you left me with last time you decided to throw me away. If you would be so kind as to allow Corey to return my things, I think it would be in everyone's best interest. I'd rather not have to lay eyes on your face any time soon.
Out of curiosity, and I know this will sound petty as hell, but I just have to know... How much would you have charged me had I gone about hiring you as a hooker rather than what I tried to get out of you as a lover and a friend? For some reason I feel like knowing what others pay you for the honor of being fucked by your will make things seem right and closed and final. Somehow. Maybe.
Or not! I'm sorry I asked. You can't put a price on what I felt for you anyway. It just sucks that you couldn't see its true value or feel it back. I'm sorry that you, too, are broken, and that your addiction to sex outweighs your need for a healthier kind of intimacy with people who actually give a damn about you and would drop everything to be there for you if you needed. It's as sad as my own set of circumstances, truth be told. At the risk of sounding like I care too much, I hope you see your way to getting some help for that.
Don't forget the thing you stole from me despite my protests! I definitely want my messenger bag back, and the stylus for my Surface that you lost needs replacing. I would appreciate having Belly back, too, if you can find it in the hoard of boxes and stuff. I've gathered up the few little things you ever GAVE me into a pile by the door ready to hand off to Corey.
You can have the table back if you want it. I don't want to think of you every time I see or use it. Or ever again, actually. So it's up for grabs. If you don't want it, I'll sell it. I just want to erase you from my home.
I'll be available this evening, but I have plans tomorrow and Friday after work, and will probably be going to Portland for the holiday weekend. Please do whatever you need to do in order to make the exchange happen during my available window tonight so that we can end our unfortunate entanglement as amicably as possible, given the circumstances.
Goodbye, Shawn J. Schneider. I sincerely wish that we both get what we deserve one day. Truly! I hope karma does its thing in a most magnificent way, and that the energy and effort we each put into offering kindness, patience, generosity, and love is repaid to us accordingly in the great cosmic scheme of things. I honestly can't wait for that. I think I'll do pretty well in the next go around, if that's how things go.
Lastly, I know it's not your style, reading so many words and being quick to process and reply to them, but if you could please acknowledge that you have at least read these messages, it would be helpful. Otherwise, I'll have to assume that you have already blocked this number to hide from my side of the conversation the way you usually do. If that's the case, I'll find other means of getting this message to you so that my intent is clear and understood.
