The Best Conversation Ever

When There's Truth, There's Understanding

Fool Me Twice, Go Fuck Yourself

"And therefore, I don't want to sleep with someone who is that affected by me or by a lack of me. I'm not that important."

8-28-2019 9:33 AM
From Shawn:
It's a sad realization that you were giving me things as a "trade-off" or to keep me around or whatever. I thought it was because you genuinely wanted me to have, (fill in the the blank) or that you really didn't need whatever. Also. I told you not to delete the msgs from your mom. And that I didn't need a new phone.

The only one of the things you "lent" me that I asked for (and only the second time) is the surface. I valued you, and our friendship, greatly. I now see that I was being manipulated, or at least you were trying to, to get me to fill a spot in your life, (which if you had listened to me at all since I've been here, you wouldn't have) that is empty.

Shannon, you are an amazing person and a stand-up dude, current situation aside. You didn't have to trick me into giving or buy my affection. Unfortunately, though, now I really don't want to be around you anymore. Between feeling guilty that I make you sad, and making you sad in the first place, and you getting upset or jealous if I'm not in your presence or having sex with you, I can't deal anymore.

Another thing is that part of the reason I don't have sex with you - you care too much. Seriously! I've tried time and again to explain - just chill! You won't. You refuse. And therefore, I don't want to sleep with someone who is that affected by me or by a lack of me. I'm not that important.

So, to sum things up - I'm not mad, sad, or otherwise upset. I wish nothing but the best. And all the good things in the world I hope come to you. I will get you everything you GAVE me back in a timely fashion.

Thank you for your friendship.

Sorry I cannot be what you need in life, or that you need more from me than I have to offer.

Sincerely ,

Shawn J. Schneider


Me:

Well said. I'm sorry you never felt that you could say those things to my face.

I shouldn't have tried to buy your affection or to "trick" you into caring about me. I saw how transactional your affection was with other men and must have thought that was the way someone who looks and behaves like me has to go about getting someone who looks like you. That wasn't fair to either of us, and I now feel the full cost of my actions after seeing them for what they were.

I hope you let yourself be loved again someday,Shawn, perhaps by someone who cares only the proper amount. You deserve happiness, whether that's with someone or alone and chasing it for just yourself.

Selfishness is going to take a toll on you one way or another, though. It's good that you care about yourself and satisfying your base wants and needs more than I was ever able to do for myself, but there's risk in taking that too far in the other direction. Fare as well as you will.

I'm going back to therapy to help myself avoid future you's. My life is fucked up enough without my chasing after men, especially those who want only to receive and are not equipped to give.


Him:
Well you obviously never believed me when I told you you were my friend, so I don't know what else there is to do. Have a good one.

Me:
I nothing you, too. But do take care.

Him:
👏likewise. I don't "nothing" you. This sucks. Take care, Shannon. Good things will come to you. Just don't grip them too tightly.

Me:
I have to admit, it's not as difficult this time around. Watching your example last time taught me how to turn off the hurt. I feel nothing except a bit of disappointment that things ended up this way. I vowed to never give you more of my tears, and I'm happy to report that you've been given none.

So, thanks? I guess? For the new skill. I didn't think this old dog had it in him to learn any new tricks. Hopefully I can teach myself some more.

Not to love less hard or with less intensity, though! Loving is something good I managed to do despite the buffet of shit life has served me. My lesson needs to be in finding someone who can love back as fiercely without seeing it as a burden or a chore. I apologize for having thrust that expectation upon you. I know you didn't want that role from the beginning, and your inability to communicate plus your willingness to keep going along with it only led me to think that perhaps, given enough time, I could change that about you. I was mistaken.

Take care of yourself. And of Corey. He's probably the best thing you can claim in your life, and you should be proud of that. He's a remarkable guy, and you are lucky to have him in your corner. There's a good chance he and I will remain friends after all of this blows over, because he and I have a lot in common, aside from our ability to communicate and our shared status as victims of Enamoring. I hope the best for you both, whatever that turns out to be.

It'd probably be best for us both not to cross paths again, though. I don't want my surprising new ability to feel nothing for you to suddenly evaporate into another leaden shroud of anguish, desperation, and depression like you left me with last time you decided to throw me away. If you would be so kind as to allow Corey to return my things, I think it would be in everyone's best interest. I'd rather not have to lay eyes on your face any time soon.

Out of curiosity, and I know this will sound petty as hell, but I just have to know... How much would you have charged me had I gone about hiring you as a hooker rather than what I tried to get out of you as a lover and a friend? For some reason I feel like knowing what others pay you for the honor of being fucked by your will make things seem right and closed and final. Somehow. Maybe.

Or not! I'm sorry I asked. You can't put a price on what I felt for you anyway. It just sucks that you couldn't see its true value or feel it back. I'm sorry that you, too, are broken, and that your addiction to sex outweighs your need for a healthier kind of intimacy with people who actually give a damn about you and would drop everything to be there for you if you needed. It's as sad as my own set of circumstances, truth be told. At the risk of sounding like I care too much, I hope you see your way to getting some help for that.

Don't forget the thing you stole from me despite my protests! I definitely want my messenger bag back, and the stylus for my Surface that you lost needs replacing. I would appreciate having Belly back, too, if you can find it in the hoard of boxes and stuff. I've gathered up the few little things you ever GAVE me into a pile by the door ready to hand off to Corey.

You can have the table back if you want it. I don't want to think of you every time I see or use it. Or ever again, actually. So it's up for grabs. If you don't want it, I'll sell it. I just want to erase you from my home.

I'll be available this evening, but I have plans tomorrow and Friday after work, and will probably be going to Portland for the holiday weekend. Please do whatever you need to do in order to make the exchange happen during my available window tonight so that we can end our unfortunate  entanglement as amicably as possible, given the circumstances.

Goodbye, Shawn J. Schneider. I sincerely wish that we both get what we deserve one day. Truly! I hope karma does its thing in a most magnificent way, and that the energy and effort we each put into offering kindness, patience, generosity, and love is repaid to us accordingly in the great cosmic scheme of things. I honestly can't wait for that. I think I'll do pretty well in the next go around, if that's how things go.


Lastly, I know it's not your style, reading so many words and being quick to process and reply to them, but if you could please acknowledge that you have at least read these messages, it would be helpful. Otherwise, I'll have to assume that you have already blocked this number to hide from my side of the conversation the way you usually do. If that's the case, I'll find other means of getting this message to you so that my intent is clear and understood.

When I Needed A Villain, He Donned A Black Hat

He wasn't equipped to handle love, and I wasn't able to stop giving it, no matter the cost. He knew I needed to hate him before I could stop loving him, so he stepped out of his true self and into a suit of pure, selfish evil to help me get the rest of the way over him.

In doing so, Shawn helped to expedite what might have taken weeks if not months to finally wither and die. So, even though his actions over the last 72 hours have prompted a fierce and tenacious hatred to flare up in me, I have to credit him for the act of kindness hidden in so much cruelty. He hurt me like no one has ever done before, and I am damaged as a result. More damaged even than when I arrived on his doorstep in Yakima some 7 months ago in what would be our first face-to-face meeting after a year and a half of flirting and chatting on Scruff.

Had I known then his capacity for love was so limited, I would have turned my heart off and just enjoyed the hard fuck he was always so good at delivering. I would never have let myself attach so much importance to his opinion of me, nor would I have allowed myself to feel so nurturing and caring for him. I let him use me, and he let me use him. He gained from our relationship in material things, and I gained the illusion of love and intimacy he was willing to supply in such small, intentionally limited amounts.

That should have been enough, and had I let it be, we wouldn't find ourselves locked in an ever spiraling circle of mutual destruction the way we have these last few days. I will always love some part of Shawn, if for no other reason than that he knew when I needed to hate him and bore the weight of that need to its bitter end.

Thank you for being such a heartless fuck, you fucking amazing man. I hate you so much only because I loved you so hard. That is behind me, and I never want to see your face or hear your voice again. I really do wish you both the best in life and the worst that you deserve at once. May our paths remain mercifully uncrossed for the rest of our lives, so that the hate you bequeathed to me so easily can continue protecting me from loving you ever again.

Goodbye, Shawn. Go be selfish, loveless, and alone amid so many meaningless encounters, just the way you always wanted. And may you always regret what you threw away in me, because I could have been very good for you. Now you'll never know just how good. And that's for the best.

A Homo With FOMO

There's a man I know and love as my very close friend. Things have been a bit tense with us lately, mostly from my perspective as an over-apologizing, self-loathing pleaser. You see, I admitted to my friend that I cared for him very deeply, in defiance of a previous warning he had issued about the grim future he sees for us should he and I become romantically and sexually entwined.

My admission was followed by several episodes of my friend simply ceasing to communicate with me, usually while a conversation is underway via SMS messaging, for entire days and nights at a time. That terrified me the first time and has infuriated me all the subsequent times.

Anyway, as I was saying, my friend tries his best to go with the flow when it comes to me, which is challenging due to the amount of emotionally charged baggage I carry with me. He absolutely slips up now and then, and he hurls razor-tipped arrows directly at my heart, but he usually realizes it soon after doing so and tries to fix it. I let him slide a LOT.

Now, for someone that patient and accommodating, you wouldn't automatically think, "This handsome fellow looks as if he has a subconscious fear of missing out on anything, anytime." But you know what? He does! His FOMO manifests itself in so many ways, too!

Chief among the examples of this fear showing up and fucking shit up is when he is almost off work and starts to think about what he wants to do when he clocks out. Will he hang with a fuck buddy somewhere up in North Seattle for a while and then go to the bath house, or should he be going home and maybe inviting me over, doing some laundry, and perhaps eating a bit of dinner or smoking a little weed?

Still, there are more options for him to consider, because his phone is perpetually filled with notifications on Scruff and Grindr - dudes who dig him and want him to put that junk in their trunk. Good for Friend! Really! He's been well received since moving back to the area in February. Being new and one of the dwindling local supply of bonafide, honest to god, butt-fucking tops, he's been received by more bottoms than he can even shake his stick at.

Say his better angel prevails and nudges him toward the homeward decision. He messages me, or responds to one of a dozen of my text messages piled up and waiting for his response. We make a quick plan to meet up, hang out, and maybe have me sleep over. It actually happens pretty often, so don't let my cynicism infect your perception of my friend. He's a good guy. Well, he tries to be. Okay, he'd like to be! (I kid!)

Imagine happy me dashing hither and thither packing up laundry, grabbing essentials to bring with, all while wearing a real, honest to god smile on my face. Fast forward an hour or two later, when he resurfaces in text message format and admits that he's been double, triple, even quadruple booking his social activities, mostly, I'd wager, due to how much of his time I've lately begun consuming like a damned drug.

He's been on the phone trying not to let anything slip between his fingers. The thought of a hot and sexy experience with one of his other friends does to my friend what catnip will do to even the most refined, laid back feline when sprinkled around on the floor. He does everything the cat would do except perhaps for rolling on his back and trying to wriggle some of the thought into his skin somehow.

He overextends himself so often and to such an untenable degree, though, that what ends up happening is someone, often multiple someones, are going to be disappointed, inconvenienced, made angry, or jealous. As you might have read in this blog before, it's frequently been my lot to enjoy the jealousy toward his other friends.

His relationship with the whole truth is like my relationship with clean work clothes. I always want to have and use them, and I do my best to make sure that I always have some on deck, but if push comes to shove one obnoxious morning, you can believe I'm going into the office wearing whatever is the least wrinkled in the hamper. So you might say his excuses can be categorized sometimes as temporally asynchronous stories of obligations that he actually might have had - FOMO is going to be the death of me, or of our relationship if I have to keep finding myself juggled between 5 other obligations he's made for himself at once, or thrown into uncomfortable, sometimes hurtful situations where he imagines I'd be alright with shedding my clothes and jumping right into some group sex with him. (I strongly suspect that somewhere in his mind, he is counting that as two or more birds with one stone. He gets his rocks off, fucks some strange, and fulfills his quota for spending time with me as well.)

Except, remember the part where I admitted feelings for him? And may I refer back to the section where I labeled myself a self-loathing pleaser? Those things haven't gone away since you set out on the journey of reading of this post, leaving me A-OK and painlessly fallen out of love with him. No! It fucking hurts ten times WORSE now because he is aware of my feelings and still lets his dick make decisions about how to incorporate me into some of his extemporaneous hook ups and orgies. (Sorry - but even remembering that made me queasy with heartache.)

So, my friend isn't able to give to me all of the parts of our friendship that actually exist. I'm forbidden or at least heavily throttled from being regularly sexual with him, because he fears that our fucking too often will cause him to begin feeling too attached in a way he doesn't want to be attached. He gets to determine which touches are okay, and which ones aren't. There are significant pieces to our friendship that I feel have been stripped and locked away as if to protect them from me.

When I have to watch or listen to him fucking someone else, I feel physically ill. I literally get nauseated, because that other piece of shit twink or bear or daddy is getting access to some of those coveted, stripped away friendship perks, and my only reward is being invited to be included and adjacent while it happens to someone else. WTF?

It's cruel! I wouldn't put anyone into such a situation if they had spoken to me at length about their feelings for me. Doing so would seem intentionally hurtful, and I would feel terrible afterward. His dick doesn't suffer the same moral dilemmas. It just points him where it wants to go and leaves him to clean up the aftermath once it pukes all over some guy.

"Hey, man. I bet we can get another 3 guys!"

Friend, I beg you - slow down a little. Take things on one at a time. I understand you feel you can juggle half a dozen things sufficiently well to get them all done, but you actually don't. You drop people and chip or break them a little every time you propose meeting up but end up breaking that date in favor of some other task or obligation or a more persistent piece of ass. The same is true of your non-people obligations. You try so hard to do everything at the same time and end up getting none of it done as quickly or to the same standard you wanted to have done. You aren't going to miss out, I promise. Those people will still be there, and they'll appreciate their time with you more because it will have been devoted exclusively to the two of you. (Three if your dick is involved.)

No more throwing me into your sex parties with other men, especially bottoms that you fuck on the regular. I am not a second bird for you to hit with that one stone, and our taste in men are usually at completely opposite ends of the spectrum, except for some universal overlap in the middle. You're hurting me deeply when you suggest it, and sometimes I feel obligated to agree to it because you've had to leave one or turn down one before thanks to my fragility. There are now three such cases for you to think back on as examples. I was hurting in each and every one of those. Hurting badly. I know you wouldn't want to do that if you knew, so now you know.

And still, I love the shit out of you. Let's fix this shit.