Last night I was minding my own business, playing around in Photoshop and trying to come up with some new designs when I got a notification on my phone that I'd received several messages in rapid succession on Grindr. Curious, I swiped into the app and went into my inbox to see who could be so interested that they were still hitting me up. I was surprised, truly, to discover that the culprit was a very attractive young 25-year old who opened with a short greeting and followed it with a flurry of dick pics that had my full attention the moment I saw them coming in, one after the other, filling my box to capacity.
He was assertive, to say the least. Confident in his choice to hit me up, and apparently finding everything I had written about myself, my likes, and my dislikes to his approval. He asked if I could host. I agreed, but only after I ran a quick errand and came back - about an hour's work. He accepted the invitation, and the date was set.
Nearly 45 minutes later, having raced through my errand, I responded again to let him know I was ready, and I sent him my address. He gave an enthusiastic acknowledgement and said he was on his way. And then he asked a question I would have expected to have come much, much earlier if at all. "What's your status?"
Puzzled by the timing of his question, I referred him back to my profile, which he'd read before contacting me, and confirmed that I was HIV+ with an undetectable viral load. I sent him a screen shot of my latest viral load test to confirm it. Silence. A long, uncomfortable one.
I waited a minute, giving him an opportunity to piece together his excuse, but when it didn't come quickly, I decided to turn the shame back around and told him that if it was going to be a problem, that was fine, but that he had all of that information available to him prior to ever contacting me. I explained to him that I was used to being turned away based on fear like this, and I told him that I always disclosed my status to every partner I have, giving them the opportunity to make an informed decision about how to proceed. I am honest about my status because it's the right thing to do, even though, in reality, I could just as easily have said I was HIV-, since the risk of his becoming infected by me was about the same, but that would make me a liar, like all those guys on the apps who claim to be taking PrEP so they can get their bareback on, but who, in reality, hadn't set foot in a testing facility in years and had no idea what their status was.
He never spoke another word. Nor did he block me. He had probably already used up the day's allotment of blocks before getting around to my profile, so he was literally stuck, unable to block or hide, and unwilling to continue the uncomfortable conversation we were having. Or at least the one I was having. He ignored me and went on looking for another candidate to breed.
What the fuck, people? Those fields in the hookup app profiles are there for a reason. And people like myself fill them out honestly for a reason. If you are concerned about HIV transmission, how about not waiting until you are en route with your dick already in your hand before asking such a game changing question? There is absolutely no reason for a man looking to hook up in this day and age to cause someone with whom he initiated conversation to feel ashamed of themselves, even for a second. It's not okay. You need to do better, gay men. All of you.
If you or someone you know needs a refresher on how to interact with people living with HIV, for the love of all things horny, please visit my Facebook page, HIV4Dummies, and get yourself some education. At the very least, maybe you'll gain some insight as to how to protect yourself from infection in case you come across someone less upfront about their status who's willing to risk your life for a nut.
