Memoirs of a Broken Boy

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Monday, November 25, 2024

I Wish I Never Met You

I wish I’d never met you. I don’t think there was any good reason behind it. I think it was an accident, like fate was looking at its phone, and when it looked back up, we’d crashed into each other, and it was too late. The damage was done, and we had met. I don’t think it was a good lesson, or that it made me tougher or a better person. I think it just became a part of the reason I’m not the same anymore, the reason I’m so closed off, the reason I don’t trust people the way I used to. I don’t think we were supposed to meet. I think it was a complete misfortune. And sometimes I think about the day it happened and how one minor decision could have stopped the whole thing. One moment could have saved me years.   Because if we had never met, I would still be all the good parts of me, and there would be fewer parts that need to be fixed. And I would still go for drives, but you would not enter my thoughts like you were robbing a bank. And I would still have these friends, but we wouldn’t reflect on  how warped I was during the year that you were a part of my life. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, sure, but I’d be strong anyway, and the time I spent around you is dead to me, wasted time. I wish I never met you. I wish fate had been paying attention. It was an accident that wasn’t waiting to happen, a calamity, a catastrophe,  a mistake.

 

Posted by Hangry Starfish at 10:25 AM
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Labels: BPD, Dating, Depression, Emotional Abuse, Fear of Abandonment, Feels, Grief, Hate, Intimacy, Rejection Sensitivity, Relationships, Therapy

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Hangry Starfish
I'm Shannon. Some people call me Nae Nae. Others only know me by my screenname, Hangry Starfish, which is my alter ego and mascot who started as a joke about not getting any dick for too long a spell. I'm very sex-positive, and I enjoy lots of sexy things. I support sex workers, because a blowjob is a job, damn it. I've had a 20-year career in Information Technology for a Fortune 500 company and a small city government. I'm currently back in school pursuing an associate of applied science transfer degree in Application Development. I am single. I was once something of an extravert, but as I got older and fatter and insecurities began to develop, I developed Borderline Personality Disorder and Agoraphobia, which is a torturous mix of disorders if you know anything about psychology. I crave connection, yet my ability to regulate my emotions has proven challenging, meaning that there have been many times when it became difficult to maintain friendships due to my reliance on unhealthy coping mechanisms whenever I sensed rejection or abandonment on the horizon. I have a really hard time leaving my apartment and venturing out into the world, especially alone. But I'm kind and generous.
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