Wanted

In my quest of self-discovery, I've managed to finally define one of the core drivers of my behavior. It's not just a lack of love or companionship that make me feel lonely. In fact, loneliness is probably the wrong word to describe what it is I'm really feeling most of the time. A more accurate description of my resting state would be "unwanted". That's what's missing, and it's what is lifted for a few minutes during and after really good sex. During those fleeting moments, I feel completely and utterly wanted. It's amazing. It feels like everything about me, all the flaws and frustrations, it all adds up to something that's actually cared about and desired. And then in a flash, it's gone.

I am always the first to admit that, in a lot of ways, I'm still very emotionally immature. Strange, considering how many emotions I feel at any given moment, right? But the fact of the matter is that I never learned much about those emotions that are directly tied to sex and intimacy. I spent too much time avoiding sex or if having it, retreating into myself to observe and judge how poorly at it I performed. I never just let myself be in the moment and enjoy it. So on those rare occasions when I do feel like an equal partner in the act of having sex, it always comes as a bit of a shock to me when those kinds of unique emotions bubble up to the surface. I don't even think I have words for them, much less the ability to categorize them or explain how they feel compared to other emotions I'm more accustomed to having.

The closest I can come to describing them would be "contentedness" and "belonging". Feeling both of those things at once is so rare in my life that the combination of them at once is like a drug, one that I never want to come clean from. When those emotions take center stage, I can do anything. My inhibitions are gone. My self-doubt is eradicated. For a few minutes, I'm all Shannon, bold and unafraid. I'm like the me I could be if I hadn't been so badly damaged and made to feel so unsure of everything I say or do. That guy is hot. I want to be him when I grow up.

This year, for my birthday, I got to be him for a brief moment, after hours of circling and dodging and evading and questioning. My submissive nature is going to be the death of my sex life if I'm not careful. But that's a rant for a different day. Today I'm gloating, because for my birthday, I was given the feeling that I was wanted, and it's the best gift I ever got.