"One subtle point that I think maybe you haven't considered is how, when you and I met in Yakima, I was mostly clueless about the real behind the scenes drama at play with you and Corey. I won't say completely clueless, because you had alluded to there being an in house separation and tension along with it. But from my perspective, there wasn't any "off limits" area into which whatever might happen to grow between us couldn't grow. You get what I mean?"
"I was operating under the simple assumption that I'd met a guy that shared chemistry with me, who I found incredibly attractive, and whom I began to really look forward to seeing more and more of as time and distance allowed. So when you moved here and added me into the shuffle of so many other guys, I was a bit stung. Then, when you admitted that you were purposefully pushing back on my advances out of fear that we might become too much like a romantic pairing, I was devastated."
"Until then, I hadn't realized that line was there, or that you weren't as open to our growing into whatever we wanted as I had been all along. You may remember how I struggled with that information, trying hard to reconcile the feelings I'd already developed with this new limited role I was left with if I wanted to keep any role at all in your life. I doubted everything you'd said, about how you found me attractive, how you hadn't had to force yourself to have sex with me on the few occasions we did, and lots more."
"I couldn't figure out how any of those things could be true if you were so easily putting a stop to further advancement toward dating, because I felt those things about you, and it was all I could do not to throw myself at you and kiss you every time I saw you. That you clearly didn't have those same strong urges was proof to me that you never had, and so I had to withdraw and simplify us to the point where further humiliation was no longer a risk."
"Then my birthday happened, and the agonizing back and forth and stop and start all culminating in that super hot frottage session made me wonder for a moment if maybe you'd reached that tipping point and had gone ahead and let yourself feel that way for me. Maybe by making you hump me through our underwear, I'd found the magic recipe that finally made you want me."
"Nope. I got immediate indications and testimony that that was absolutely not what had happened, and that it had been something akin to a birthday present to me. A one-time annual charity that wasn't to be construed as an open door for more of the same."
"I saw and heard how eager you were to get back out of your seven-day post-gonorrhea quarantine and back in circulation, and it crushed me. As I saw it, you had a living, willing partner right there at your disposal -- one who wanted nothing more than to give you pleasure and to be the happy recipient of all that pent up sexual energy -- and you didn't even consider it. It didn't even cross your mind. When I finally put those observations together and saw the picture they painted, I was devastated."
"I hid as much as I could of the explosion that was happening in my heart that morning, while you drove me back to my place. It was not my best performance by a long shot. That's when I determined that I needed pharmaceutical help to get past that much pain. So I self-medicated as soon as I got home and doubled my daily dose of crazy pills to help shut it down completely."
"And it worked! For the most part. I can still identify the hurt, like, feel where it resides within my body, you know? But I don't have to access it with my heart, and that is a huge win, because I don't want to access it that way. Not yet."
"Obviously it's a temporary fix to a problem we need to find a way to adult our way through. And I'd like to try doing that sooner rather than later. But today, probably tomorrow and the next day, I'm able to cope with the realization that I came home from Yakima all those months ago feeling a certain way about you. But you didn't walk away from that room feeling the same way. It's embarrassing. It's disappointing. And I feel like I didn't get a fair chance at having whatever it was we might have had. But I'll get over it."
"We'll talk. And Shawn, I need for us to really talk, all cards on the table, no trying to protect me from the truth, no trying to say something by not saying another - just the facts, so that I can eventually look you in the eye without feeling a cramp of sickening loss quake in my heart. I think that's a reasonable thing to ask."
"So, if it's cool with you, I'd appreciate it if we could have a sit down very soon."
Okay - it took 3 messages to send all of it. But it's sent. Lordt! It's sent.
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